at the beginning of CGA, i asked the Lord what He wanted my time here to look like. i expected it to be a time of fighting, squirming, hurting and healing. as i asked, the only answer i got was restoration.
as i’ve sought out what this word would look like, it quickly became clear. this word, a word that felt so foreign to me, would look like sweet communion and deep intimacy with the Father. it would look like a Victorian house, that has already been gutted of rot and decay. the house is now being redone..restored. it would be taking it back to it‘s original glory and making it even more beautiful. the gross, hard work has been done already. there is no more need for masks and protection. while restoration can be hard, it is the part looked forward to, because it is fun and you know the end will be gorgeous. true restoration is taking something already beautiful, but damaged, and reminding it of it’s true beauty. this is what my last few months have been.
on my race, i learned that i am bad at sitting still and sitting in peace. if i’m not active-serving, traveling, teaching, ect.-i am so bad at walking with the Father. if i’m struggling and walking through something hard, i’ve found it hard to see the Lord. pain proves He is real, but what about when there is no pain? what about in the rest and in the quiet?
when i realized this was how i operated, i was actually in a season of quiet peace. ministry was calm and sweet, my team had no blatant struggles, and everything back home was okay. everything was okay, except for the fact that i didn’t know how to find the Father.
in that time, the Lord once again proved to me that in my weakness i find His strength. how sweet it is to know that. i have slowly, over the last year, learned how to sit in the goodness of the Father-in the days that life is easy, as well as the times of pain. the Lord is good through and through. no matter my circumstances, He remains my constant.
so what has that looked like during CGA? as i talked to my leadership one day, i quickly began to realize that there is so much pain from my past that i walked through and forgave, but i hadn’t fully taken it out of my life. i closed the door as soon as i thought “it’s all good now,” and didn’t speak life over it. the weeds had been pulled out, but i hadn’t planted lasting flowers in their places. these areas of life were forgiven, but i hadn’t fully let go because i didn’t want to to be associated with any pain. CGA has been a time of planting flowers. the Lord has taken me back to so many moments, moments of fear and brokenness, and literally said “look, see me in this. i was right there, don’t you see?” these moments have happened in my writing prayers, through visions and worship, and when i sit quietly, allowing space to hear Him.
when i realized i didn’t want association with pain, i remembered that Jesus didn’t want it either, but He let the Father speak into it. He let the Father’s will be done, and He faithfully walked in it and stewarded it for the growth of the Kingdom-for us to have eternal life (Matthew 26:36-46). CGA has been a time of Poppa taking me back places of to pain, and speaking life over them. the Father isn’t just pulling us through pain after the fight, but He is there the whole time- holding hands, wiping tears, picking us up, showing us where the safe place is. He is in it with us, and when we don’t see it, He will take us back to it when we are able to see it.
all of this taking place has given me confidence. i know who i am in the Lord, i know He is constant in the sweetness and in the valley, so i do not have to fear what comes next. practically, this looks like me being a different person. i am bold- i speak out what i think and believe, i am overcoming passivity. would you believe it if i told you i no longer fear confrontation? it’s true. confrontation is still hard and not my favorite thing for sure, but i see what happens when you speak truth in love. i see the benefits of being outspoken, yet soft-spoken. i am a leader. this is the craziest thing to me, because my whole life i was told and believed that i was a follower, with no capability of leading. i was and am good at following, i understand it. leading however, brings life to me. it makes me come alive. i’ve found that i not only enjoy it, but i am more than capable of it. this past week, one leader looked at me and said “libby, why don’t you speak out more? we all want to hear what you have to say. you just said that so much better than any of us, and you painted something no one else could see.” me saying this is not bragging or trying to make me look good, but just me telling you the goodness of Jesus. i have changed, grown and transformed. i never knew i was able to speak out and lead. i never new, not because people said i couldn’t, but simply because no one said i could and i didn’t know how to hear Poppa talking to me. the Lord has brought me close and given me sweet restoration-in the good and bad. He has been so good through it all, and i love walking through life in intimacy with the Father.
