on the goodness of God
1 WEEK. ACTUALLY…6 DAYS.
today is a bittersweet day. i should be in kansas with my squad, having a wedding celebration for our sweet Bekah and Austin. i should be writing her a letter right now, praying scripture over her. i should be telling Austin he better take the best care of our girl, even though i already know he would go above and beyond to make her safe and happy.
my first conversation with bekah was at Adventures. my last conversation with her was about my next step with Adventures through CGA. everything i have done the last 2 months have been tainted by a memory of bekah. sometimes i feel i cant breathe, some days i feel huge surges of “how much more can i do to continue the work bekah started?”
so…6 days. this week i will work my butt off at my job as a barista, i will pack and find lists of things i realize i need at the last minute. so far that list consists of laundry detergent and towels. i will try to fundraise the last of the money i need to meet my first deadline, and then continue to fundraise until i meet my final goal. i will go to church on sunday with the Johnson’s for the last time, same with Tuesday night bible studies. i will slowly close out this chapter that has just started to feel familiar and work towards starting the next one.
as i take next steps, i can’t help but think of bekah, as well as austin. while mine and bekah’s PLANS may have been different, our PURPOSE was the same-to glorify the Lord with our lives and to make His name KNOWN among nations. this next step, if bekah was here, would be encouraged, prayed over, and cheered on by her. i miss the little conversations. making grilled cheese in South Africa. i miss hugs during tears. i miss the day she broke her butt and i miss the memories we hadn’t yet created. it’s unfair to not have a huge part of who i am not here. i have lived in regret for part of the past 2 months. her and i had a subtle friendship. we never took pictures together and you wouldn’t find us going crazy together that often. we had a deep friendship though. sometimes it involved few words, just understanding. it also involved looks of laughter at inappropriate times. it involved hugs and wisdom shared and possible bad plans being made but never followed through. i tell myself i should have taken more selfies, should have been bolder in our friendship, that then i wouldn’t miss her as much. but that is untrue. i would miss her just as much no matter what our friendship looked like. i miss her lisp, i miss her smile and the sparkle in her eye. i miss her kansas accent and little smirk and the way she laughed at Stephanie’s weird phrases. it’s the little things. i find myself thinking some days, “what would bek’s do if she were here?” it’s funny to me, because if she were here i would think nothing of what she would do, i would just live out what i thought was best. but that’s the thing about death, it changes those left behind. now, while i still have the same focus as before, it has been slightly altered by a void i feel. because of bekah going to be with Jesus, i have found myself refraining from or diving into things that i never would have before. even in her death, i am still learning from her.
as i step into CGA, i know i will feel more emotions about bekah and austin. when i pass the places that have memories with her, i will remember her and want to hear her voice once more. as i step into CGA i will strive to seek God and seek light. i am not doing it to fill bekah’s shoes. i would never say it’s because i know she is watching. rather, i will live out my life how i would if she were still here…seeking God in all and through all. now, that life purpose just has a little more weight, because I have seen the impact of death in a way i never saw before. it’s not that i want bekah to be proud of my for what i am doing, but rather i want to continue glorifying God here on earth just as she would in life. her death has given me new purpose to seek His name and claim his kingdom ground. i look forward to the future with joy, i want to take each step claiming ground for His Kingdom. last week a sweet friend prayed that mine and bekah’s friendship would continue even though bekah is no longer physically here. she also prayed that bekah would continue to reveal things about the Lord, to teach me. THE VERY NEXT DAY, the Lord spoke something into my life through a friend. the jist of it was, “just like bekah was here on earth until she most glorified God by her death, so you are in this place of your life, because it is what most glorifies God.” i thank God for the way he drew her near and let her pour out into lives around her. He is good, even when He takes away. how sweet it is that through death, we can learn more about the goodness of our savior. it feels odd to say, almost unnatural and harsh. but i know it is true.
i still need to fundraise an ultimate number of $4,900. by friday, october 6th, i need $451. if you feel compelled to give, please click the orange DONATE button at the top of this page or contact me personally to find out other ways you can give.
